Time machine

Is this some kind of bad dream? Is this possible.... I didn't had time to think about. Dressed in some costly satin, the blackberry beeping continuously in my pocket as i was suddenly struck by this peculiar question. I was just sitting and enjoying nothingness as i smelled the salty sea breeze gushing through my hair and leaving me with a chilled jerk through my spine. Th atmosphere was so beautiful as if the nature and the sea has conspired to create this beautiful painting on the canvas of the horizon as never seen before. A hue of red orange and yellow just mixed the blue sky and the red glowing ball of fire  drowning slowly and slowly.Far noticeable was a fisherman's boat, trying hard to get the last catch of the day.
And what am i doing here? I really don't know. I was sitting on the concrete that binds the ocean from the sea. Te sea was fierce as it kept thrashing on the concrete walls splashing the salty water all over. I could feel the moistness drenching my cheeks and dripping into my mouth. The salty sensation.But that was not of the sea moisture, i could sense my vision blurring all of a sudden and the moist hot balls rolling down my cheeks.
Why am i crying? are my glands malfunctioning all of a sudden or perhaps the city is experiencing a high humidity, perhaps my body too......still the uncontrollable emotions just flowed on.

I was just so confused. It was everything was happening like it was supposed to be, like i was destined to be there, destined to cry, watch the sun set, watch the city sleeping slowly. But why? perhaps the question is lost far amidst the crowds that made their way homeward, a busy life , a hectic schedule, and amidst the colorful city that actually never sleeps.

The blackberry was buzzing continuously in my pocket and i slowly took it out. As i pressed into my device, i was heaped by something around unlimited texts and a call buzzing. I took the call and it was so different. There was this female voice over the phone, " when are you coming dear adn why aren't you picking the call. We are getting late for the party...hurry up dear"
All i did was just couple of head nods and yups and yes's.........
I cut the call as if it was choking me, the wedding ring was glistening like anything , laughing sarcastically at me. I was just too frustrated, too depressed or perhaps whatever......i just felt so binded, so confined so like living in a jail......jailed forever .....the invisible shackles around my hands....and the rope clinging around my neck.......
Damn reality!! A sudden blow again. Damn Mr Roy...damn......what the hell do you want dammit?? i gave you everything a man could ever desired......you are the executive of a firm you dreamt to be.....sea facing office......power....Sea facing bungalow......a rolls royce phantom........and moreover the best looking wife one can ever get with the most intelligent kid a parent could desire........heavy paychecks....party's.......what else? still you sit here and curse me?? lament?? see...look all those down there...begging for food....desiring to be like the banner guy...Mr Roy......i gave you everything and now what?? speak...up what??

can you give me one thing gawd....please....... happiness.....peace.......can you return me that abhishek roy i used to be years back......

silence prevailed!!!

Everything seems so perfect, so normal.Life was taking its usual sine curve.....oops!! the exponential curve. Damn i drive a BMW 7 series which i dreamt of and now i am not happy. Perhaps the want of human beings never cease to stop or perhaps i never realized what happiness really is, what love actually is what being abhishek roy actually is. Perhaps i regret for all those past days, i wish i could travel back and change back those for once. For once i could have saved this life, said her how much i really loved her, said her that yes whatever it may be i am there for you, thrown this fake smile and said no, have not weighed love and money on the same scale, did something to make my parent's smile, not my future......  for once said again and again.....please don;t leave me......

for once gawd...for once that decision that could have changed to exactly what i wanted to be...not what this society wants me to be......for once.....

suddenly mom called me up....what are you doing.....why are you crying....and why are you howling??. i was startled....i ran for the bathroom, went in front of the mirror.....oh yes!!! can you believe it , i am young......and i am in my home..........untouched by anything........i am back....it was a dream...a dream...a really really bad dream.....huh...bad dream
as i was stroking the keys of my lappy and writing this blog, i was just taken aback by the realization i had..... I really dont wish to regret in my life.....and really money , wealth, materialistic world matters me no more....it's all happiness, joy, bliss and love after all. Wish just to cling on all to these and live life.....be a free soul at least and next time i visualise the past might be hanging in a local train and returning home......see  my wife smile happily, laughing aloud, my children happier and those salty drops.......huh!!!
.perhaps someone up above is supposed to cry now....in happiness....

A gift or a curse.......

Einstein once said , A life is of no use if not lived for others. This thinking was just hovering around my mind where deep inside i tried to find the secret of my survival, the mere reason of my existence, the oxygen that i breathe in. Am i living a life worthwhile?
Life a vicious cycle of existence, a cycle that starts with a beautiful beginning, a cry deep from inside, the first heart beat and there it goes. As it travels towards its destiny slowly and slowly towards death. Each and everyday unknowingly we take that small step towards our death that ends with another cry, a cry that has passion, emotions and love, a cry of loss, a cry of loneliness , a cry of feeling so empty.So is it all? does it end here? what about the life that is sandwiched between these two boundary of life and death?
I am no one to unravel that mystery, dig out the meaning of what life is, what emotions are, what love is? These words are so strong yet cannot be described.
Is life a gift or a curse? A curse where you are destined to come to this world with a cry, then you learn to smile, learn to crawl, learn to dream, smile while you dream, fall in love, create your weakness and unknowingly crawl to them. Perhaps all those management theories of needs, wants and what Maslow has been imposing to us is a simple realization of life in a complicated way.
So do we really need to complicate life? Do you like to live a life that ties you down and makes you dance, binds you to all the theories of existence. A book cannot teach you consumer behavior or can teach you what emotions is, life is, love is. Believe me it cannot.
Think once. Everyday when you close your eyes after a day's tiring work, you try to grasp some sleep and then you enter a different worlsd, a world you think so unreal, so like a virtual reality, what you call a dream. And you think this dream is a mere reflection of your reality. Huh!!  See now you are trying to console yourself, you want to get there what you dream of but you cannot, you think i am too much driven by emotions and thoughts cast away from reality. So close your eyes, listen the world around, feel the sounds, try touching those sounds, try to paint that blank campus with the colors of these sounds. Can you? can you bring a meaning to this existence.
When the first light enters through the window, and kiss my forehead, i think reality is much more beautiful. Who the hell cares about the last night dreams, the emotions, the strong moments, those unforgettable feelings and now you want to live a life that is more real, perhaps running back on the track. On your journey through this sandwich world you switch back and forth again and again. We say that's how you live it. Make the correct proportions and the cake is ready, fresh, soft , smoking. You smile, laugh aloud and that laughter echoes back again and again and again and one day that turns into a frightful shriek when you beg someone to close your ears, close your eyes. You long again for that virtual existence.
The mystery still remains undefined, the secret remains unfolded because it is meant to be so. It is us who decides where we are, where we want to be because believe me, whatever may this existence be - a gift or a curse, we have to live it, we have to stand in that storm, we have to get drenched in the tears, we have to get stained in the blood. So just try living a life. Live free.
This is your life and you have the power to control what direction you want it to steer. Mankind , society, humanity will stay here but you have to reach the other part of the sandwich one day and that day when you exhale the last breathe, when your vision will blur out, when you heart will beat for the last time,     take a pause.....think of the strong moments.........you wish you could have lived those moments again.

Life- a curse or a gift...........a secret or transparent.....a mystery or a card-house of emotions. Even god chuckles.

Nightmare or Reality......Who knows??

The tube light was flickering hard making ghastly figures and shadows on the dark wall, illuminated all of a sudden by those flickers. The room was so dark, so silent. Suddenly a gush of winds blew through the room as if the clouds were out on a sudden wild ride on the wind-back and my room was a complete mess. Everything flew away, the door striking again and again making loud noise as if crying out in pain, the eerie sound of the wind gushing was hammering my ears. I tried to get up from my bed and close the window. Suddenly i felt so different . It was as if i was the master and nature was my slave. Those mighty winds that was making things terrible was suddenly under my command and i was riding it high. I jumped out of the window and i was literally flying. Is it possible? Is it so real, or am i in some virtual world.
Who cares?
i laughed aloud, kept on laughing until the laugh turned into roar and smashed down like another fierce lightning, shaking the very heart of nature.The ground started burning and it was fire all around . I tried to escape from that hot gushing wind. The more i blew with the wind, more the flames of the fire grew higher and it tossed into the sky. My laughter echoing again and again, bouncing back to my ears, turning into painful shrieks, cry of pain, cry of cruelty, cry of death.
My skin started to burn, my body started to twist, and my legs charred down into powders of dust. I was struggling for help but the winds also conspired with the nature against me. A treachery, a trap, a conspiracy that is burning me down.

Laughter again...not me this time.......a figure so similar laughing in front of me. I have seen her somewhere but could not make out who she was. I was loosing myself. I was going down, falling again and again, going deep inside, faster and faster defying the laws of gravity.

"Beep ....beep....beeep"
I was startled by the noise all of a sudden, i woke up. The alarm was sounding again and again. It was morning and the golden beam poked through the window illuminating the room. I was sweating like anything and my throat was choking. I rushed to the glass of water and gulped as much of liquid as i can. My head was spinning abruptly. The room was a complete mess and really who would say last night was so stormy?

Just as i was walking back from college, i chuckled myself. Damn!! another nightmare.....glowing fire, hot wind......ha ha ha. Must go to sleep early tonight. Might be too much pressure was giving me a bad weekend.

It is 11:30 in the night and i am going back to sleep.The hostel is so empty today and i love the silence so much .I spread my legs and went to turn my tubelight off......
Suddenly ......It started flickering again. and again and again.

The Reason...

I was rushing through the emergency ward as i could hear distinct cry of agony, stinking smells of burning flesh and blood spilled all around. The wall of the corridor was stinking of the black and red tinge of dried blood that made it feel like a horrifying graffiti made out of anguish. As i moved around the corner all i could see howling and tear drops flooding the corridor. The mother was sitting still as cold as a stone and the gaze was undisturbed, the look of death in her eyes, and emotions have washed away with her son on her lap. He was still smiling , probably making his path through his dreams into his way to heaven and finally gaining the freedom- the eternal peace. But who will console her mother? She is lying so cold, so dead. Everybody is howling and crying but that could hardly shake her a bit. He is probably thinking off all those memories since her boy came out of her womb, the very memories that made her smile, made her cry, made her feel someone special. But now his absence has snatched all those memories, those feelings and now those emotions are no more. Those tears have no more effect on her- she is struck by the cruel hands of death and misery.
As i stood in the corner watching pain, i was transformed into that flashback, the same feel as that of that poor mother that lied cold in the corner, that howl, that agony as if everything is so mute for a moment, as of i am going through a flashback, an existence in which i was trying to grope for a meaning, to connect to that pain and understand the cry of agony beckoning me from far away. I felt so dizzy, so sick , felt like vomiting and i ran towards the general ward.


I ran and ran and ran and did not stop. Wish i could break this sheer limit of existence and cross the boundaries. Perhaps this life was meant for a suffering to last forever, made up of every drops of tears, those stains of blood, those cry of agony and those look in the face of the mother. Still we search that happiness, that reason to smile, that reason to laugh aloud, feel like flying in the blue open sky.

We live, we laugh, we cry- for a reason.....to survive.

Laughter

Last afternoon i just had my lunch and was sitting on the corner of the steps. Just as i sat and gazed into my friends and classmates, everyone seemed so happy, enjoying their moments, cherishing life. Happiness was on the air. Chilled air was blowing from the far hills in the north and sun was playing hide and seek behind the clouds. The atmosphere was totally perfect and joy was all around. Everyhting seemed so normal, so very beautiful as if this was the exact moment they were waiting for.
I hold tightly to my cup of black steaming coffee that was comforting me against the goose bumps i was getting from the chilled air. I hold the cup tightly and stared into he black liquid that was floating inside my cup.Suddenly i was struck by this painful realisation. Why am i sitting here lonely being so much philosophic, so much thinking about what life is all about. I mean nobody ever was successful to unfold these mysteries, these reason of happiness or my loneliness. Was this moment not meant for me to just giggle around, be that kid again and play pranks, or might be trying on something to make others laugh and enjoy that full fledged laughter from the bosom of the heart?
I asked myself," Don't you feel like laughing all over again? "
A long pause and i sipped back into the black cold coffee and felt as it flowed through my mouth deep inside. Every gulp i take just makes me so addictive to it, a sense of being bewitched by the balck serpent.
I tried to laugh hard, belive me. But my throat is all choked, and m heart is blocked. A fake smile appeared like a crescent moon but deep inside it was nothing to be felt.I tried harder and harder and each time i tried, the smile shrinked bit by bit.
Perhaps i really forgot how to laugh, how to enjoy life, how to be in love with myself all over again? Why is this darkness all over me. I tried to shout out, but the voice was too feeble. I was feeling weakness covering me all over.
Love, happiness, laughter, giggle, smile, black coffee, the chilled wind- everyhting formed a typical puzzle deep inside which can never be solved. As i was thinking this deeply and sipping into my black poison again and again, suddenly i heard a voice that called my name. I was in a subconscious state as the cry echoed again and again into my ears. Suddenly i felt a soft touch on my back, and i looked back.
"What are you doing here sittting alone? Come join us"
I don't know what i was happening that moment. I lost control over my body and it was as if the brain was malfunctioning all over again suddenly. Suddenly i felt the strong smell of flowers as if i am in an orchid, felt like floating in a rainbow, feeling so different.
What is happening to me?

"HA HA HA HA HA"  .I was laughing all over again....
just laughing again and again and.......

The loser

Do you believe in love?
Ohh!! come on..Love is no Santa Claus with jingling bells. It just happens.It's just a sensation, feeling, a deep warmth that kisses your heart.
What a piece of crap. I mean does all these adjectives define love. First of all you cannot prove the existence and then you show me this psychological torture explaining me the loopholes of a four word pathetic relationship and emotional binding called "LOVE". Now give me a break.
You are such a loser. I have seen your tears, i have seen you blushing and i have seen you to just get lost.
Ohh!! really perhaps that was just an illusion , a old torn page in my book of history. Come on!! Just stop it.

Well there i stood laughing victoriously like a small kid winning the first prize of first grade rhyme session. Perhaps my heart was weaker to just fight with my strong mind of what this feeling was actually is. But deep inside, I realized that i was still crying. I felt that sensation, that feeling, that environment when everything else was just so gray. I tell you that you sleep with that, you work with that , you breathe that particular thing. You just get lost with that feeling or perhaps the most devastating weapon of the world called Love.

That was the first day of the college and as usual the eager to experience this four letter word called Love was burning raw inside me. There was these bunch of other sex trying to woo us and the poor manly souls lied beneath their high soles ready to become their slaves. But all these did not excite me as I was still looking for that reason, that feeling, that heavenly experience . It was nowhere to be found.

How can i find that Love in this world of hatred? If something really existed between us was that frustration of being hurt or falling into the pit of a vicious cycle called lust, infatuations and a complete mess.
Love. Huh!!! Perhaps it's existence vanished far away from my reach.

See my dear heart, Love doesn't exist.

It was raining cats and dogs outside and i was having my cup of steaming tea in a stall in front of my college. The mood was good , perhaps after the victory of my mind over my heart, it has thrown a party inside and all other organs are enjoying it. As i tried to get a dry space under the tree and rush for my class, I saw an old couple of 70's holding their hand and walking in the rain. They were all drenched, and when they passed beside me, I looked into the eyes of the old man and there i saw something that cannot be explained in words.

I still remember that look, the way this old man held his wife's hand and walked in the rain and disappeared into the blurred world. Now was it love that i saw ? Perhaps that's the answer i am still searching for.

I can hear my heart beating aloud as if sarcastically smiling aloud on my mind.
See who is the winner now!!

The Red Wine

I lay on my lazy bed as the golden sunlight flickered on my blue painted wall. The mood is so different today, so lazy , so intoxicating like that old vintage wine. The smell which makes me so intoxicated compelling me to indulge into a different world. My vision blurred all of a sudden, everything started to move in front of me as if i am going back in time. A sudden knock on my head and there's hardly anything i can remember.
I hardly remember for how long i have been lying there. I crawled to the corner as i lay speechless by the amazing beauty. The sky, the sun, the water all conspiring against me and the plot is written in that old brown covered book that lies in the dust beside me. I crawled into the corner of the huge banyan tree as i saw the smoke rising in the horizon. And all of a sudden a bunch of birds like black spots in the red sky just passed by. The red glowing ball of power is all set to go to slumber-land as it slowly crawled down the  the horizon and the river "Ganga" that crawled like a huge snake was waving her goodbye. The sky turned into a different color, a hue much unseen and the water trembled of an unknown fear of darkness. Somewhere far the music of "baul" came flowing kissing my heart all of a sudden. Somewhere nearby a mother was crying out for his son who went into the river for catching fish and have not yet returned. Might be never to return again.Only the echoes can be heard again and again.
How intoxicating can it be? I just wonder. May be that feeling of nostalgia suddenly evoked the longing of my soul's union into that far horizon where the vicious snake kisses the red ball of fire.
I continue gulping it again- The Red wine.

Change....a hope to live with

How many times have we just thought about how corrupt the system is or How many times we had wished that things would actually go on just like normal. We always has dreamed of a space that is peaceful, harmonious and the most importantly that sense of humanity in all of us. So haven't we tried to achieve this heaven?
No, we don't. Instead we try to pamper the system the way it is going as long is doesn't affect our personal perimeter. I guess we give a damn about what's actually going on and we are just so much busy in our personal life. And when asked for a reason, well who actually cares !! well if that's so , then a contribution to society by joining so called NGO's for namesake or joining the administration with a passion to change iginites us for time being. But alas!! it all dies out with time.
So are you still guessing over and thinking what to do? Let me tell you what to do. It's good to just see things happen but actually when, the cycle reciprocates and hits you back hard on your face, when you feel like a pathetic helpless guy into that vicious trap confined into a pitch black four walled room, you will beg for that light and that's when you wish you would have never let it happen.

Things like this are very sensitive to speak of but the way things revolve is not always just the way we expect it to be. You need to feel that and spread that because you can make it possible. Stand up because I want you to carry that candle into the pitch dark room and say, yes i have got a way out. Don't just be a blind man and see the sunrise to set again in this black planet.Rise up. Wake up. The world is waiting for you.

As i was coming back from the hostel, the shadowy streets and the small bulb was flickering in the street far away, i saw a firefly. All the way it flashed by my side. And when at last i reached my hostel gates, i don't know where it disappeared. Well maybe it was that ray of hope that ignited this passion inside me, consoling me not to fear that flickering bulb as it may go off any time.. I am always there with you.

A lonely soul

What does loneliness actually mean? Is it all about sitting quietly in a corner, doing nothing and just browsing through your 150 contact list of your phone and at last there is no one you can just call, roaming in the lobby of your hostel with all the doors closed with the golden Godrej lock hanging on it as if sarcastically smiling on my loneliness. Is that loneliness all about? I was still puzzled
There is so much to do , as i quickly browsed through my to do list, full of scratches and marks as if made by any prehistoric life, and surprisingly it was brimming full of works to be completed, but still there is a feeling from inside that this moment is so like a vacuum , as if a God has pressed the pause button of my video and I have been given the power to roam in this dead world where everyone is asleep and I walk this lonely road to find no one in sight. Phew !! the utter feeling of loneliness blankets me.
As the rain drops kissed the rusty windows and the longing to touch the sky beneath the far hills in the horizon lightened up inside me, i saw a small bird chirping in the tree. She was all wet, drenched in the rain, shivering all of a sudden and making this beautiful noise. As if to tell me you are not alone. Cheer up you lonely soul, can't you see, I am there to sing you a song of loneliness till you get lost into that deep slumber.

Loneliness!!! what actually is it?

The morning pain

The hostel is sleeping and snoring loud and far away i can hear the dogs barking. The room is being illuminated by the light coming out of my laptop and elsewhere it is pitch black. I m trying hard to gain that sense of drowsiness and suddenly she comes to me knocking outside my window. She tries to say a thousand words as if in a pain. I can feel that pain touching me all of a sudden. Perhaps that pain seems to be never ending and as i gaze outside my window i can see that pain dissolve in the air and so did my lady of dreams.

She is no more and as i gazed back to that empty sky, i can see a thousand sparkles as if laughing at my pity condition. A cool breeze just blew through my hairs as i lay there weeping by the window in that agony, trying to shout out loud, perhaps to hear that echo slap me again and again. I can sense my vision blurring as those hot moist droplets trickled through my cheeks.

The pain , the agony, the restlessness as if everything has integrated into an peculiar mess conspiring against me. I still lie restlessly on my bed