Is this some kind of bad dream? Is this possible.... I didn't had time to think about. Dressed in some costly satin, the blackberry beeping continuously in my pocket as i was suddenly struck by this peculiar question. I was just sitting and enjoying nothingness as i smelled the salty sea breeze gushing through my hair and leaving me with a chilled jerk through my spine. Th atmosphere was so beautiful as if the nature and the sea has conspired to create this beautiful painting on the canvas of the horizon as never seen before. A hue of red orange and yellow just mixed the blue sky and the red glowing ball of fire drowning slowly and slowly.Far noticeable was a fisherman's boat, trying hard to get the last catch of the day.
And what am i doing here? I really don't know. I was sitting on the concrete that binds the ocean from the sea. Te sea was fierce as it kept thrashing on the concrete walls splashing the salty water all over. I could feel the moistness drenching my cheeks and dripping into my mouth. The salty sensation.But that was not of the sea moisture, i could sense my vision blurring all of a sudden and the moist hot balls rolling down my cheeks.
Why am i crying? are my glands malfunctioning all of a sudden or perhaps the city is experiencing a high humidity, perhaps my body too......still the uncontrollable emotions just flowed on.
I was just so confused. It was everything was happening like it was supposed to be, like i was destined to be there, destined to cry, watch the sun set, watch the city sleeping slowly. But why? perhaps the question is lost far amidst the crowds that made their way homeward, a busy life , a hectic schedule, and amidst the colorful city that actually never sleeps.
The blackberry was buzzing continuously in my pocket and i slowly took it out. As i pressed into my device, i was heaped by something around unlimited texts and a call buzzing. I took the call and it was so different. There was this female voice over the phone, " when are you coming dear adn why aren't you picking the call. We are getting late for the party...hurry up dear"
All i did was just couple of head nods and yups and yes's.........
I cut the call as if it was choking me, the wedding ring was glistening like anything , laughing sarcastically at me. I was just too frustrated, too depressed or perhaps whatever......i just felt so binded, so confined so like living in a jail......jailed forever .....the invisible shackles around my hands....and the rope clinging around my neck.......
Damn reality!! A sudden blow again. Damn Mr Roy...damn......what the hell do you want dammit?? i gave you everything a man could ever desired......you are the executive of a firm you dreamt to be.....sea facing office......power....Sea facing bungalow......a rolls royce phantom........and moreover the best looking wife one can ever get with the most intelligent kid a parent could desire........heavy paychecks....party's.......what else? still you sit here and curse me?? lament?? see...look all those down there...begging for food....desiring to be like the banner guy...Mr Roy......i gave you everything and now what?? speak...up what??
can you give me one thing gawd....please....... happiness.....peace.......can you return me that abhishek roy i used to be years back......
silence prevailed!!!
Everything seems so perfect, so normal.Life was taking its usual sine curve.....oops!! the exponential curve. Damn i drive a BMW 7 series which i dreamt of and now i am not happy. Perhaps the want of human beings never cease to stop or perhaps i never realized what happiness really is, what love actually is what being abhishek roy actually is. Perhaps i regret for all those past days, i wish i could travel back and change back those for once. For once i could have saved this life, said her how much i really loved her, said her that yes whatever it may be i am there for you, thrown this fake smile and said no, have not weighed love and money on the same scale, did something to make my parent's smile, not my future...... for once said again and again.....please don;t leave me......
for once gawd...for once that decision that could have changed to exactly what i wanted to be...not what this society wants me to be......for once.....
suddenly mom called me up....what are you doing.....why are you crying....and why are you howling??. i was startled....i ran for the bathroom, went in front of the mirror.....oh yes!!! can you believe it , i am young......and i am in my home..........untouched by anything........i am back....it was a dream...a dream...a really really bad dream.....huh...bad dream
as i was stroking the keys of my lappy and writing this blog, i was just taken aback by the realization i had..... I really dont wish to regret in my life.....and really money , wealth, materialistic world matters me no more....it's all happiness, joy, bliss and love after all. Wish just to cling on all to these and live life.....be a free soul at least and next time i visualise the past might be hanging in a local train and returning home......see my wife smile happily, laughing aloud, my children happier and those salty drops.......huh!!!
.perhaps someone up above is supposed to cry now....in happiness....
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A gift or a curse.......
Einstein once said , A life is of no use if not lived for others. This thinking was just hovering around my mind where deep inside i tried to find the secret of my survival, the mere reason of my existence, the oxygen that i breathe in. Am i living a life worthwhile?
Life a vicious cycle of existence, a cycle that starts with a beautiful beginning, a cry deep from inside, the first heart beat and there it goes. As it travels towards its destiny slowly and slowly towards death. Each and everyday unknowingly we take that small step towards our death that ends with another cry, a cry that has passion, emotions and love, a cry of loss, a cry of loneliness , a cry of feeling so empty.So is it all? does it end here? what about the life that is sandwiched between these two boundary of life and death?
I am no one to unravel that mystery, dig out the meaning of what life is, what emotions are, what love is? These words are so strong yet cannot be described.
Is life a gift or a curse? A curse where you are destined to come to this world with a cry, then you learn to smile, learn to crawl, learn to dream, smile while you dream, fall in love, create your weakness and unknowingly crawl to them. Perhaps all those management theories of needs, wants and what Maslow has been imposing to us is a simple realization of life in a complicated way.
So do we really need to complicate life? Do you like to live a life that ties you down and makes you dance, binds you to all the theories of existence. A book cannot teach you consumer behavior or can teach you what emotions is, life is, love is. Believe me it cannot.
Think once. Everyday when you close your eyes after a day's tiring work, you try to grasp some sleep and then you enter a different worlsd, a world you think so unreal, so like a virtual reality, what you call a dream. And you think this dream is a mere reflection of your reality. Huh!! See now you are trying to console yourself, you want to get there what you dream of but you cannot, you think i am too much driven by emotions and thoughts cast away from reality. So close your eyes, listen the world around, feel the sounds, try touching those sounds, try to paint that blank campus with the colors of these sounds. Can you? can you bring a meaning to this existence.
When the first light enters through the window, and kiss my forehead, i think reality is much more beautiful. Who the hell cares about the last night dreams, the emotions, the strong moments, those unforgettable feelings and now you want to live a life that is more real, perhaps running back on the track. On your journey through this sandwich world you switch back and forth again and again. We say that's how you live it. Make the correct proportions and the cake is ready, fresh, soft , smoking. You smile, laugh aloud and that laughter echoes back again and again and again and one day that turns into a frightful shriek when you beg someone to close your ears, close your eyes. You long again for that virtual existence.
The mystery still remains undefined, the secret remains unfolded because it is meant to be so. It is us who decides where we are, where we want to be because believe me, whatever may this existence be - a gift or a curse, we have to live it, we have to stand in that storm, we have to get drenched in the tears, we have to get stained in the blood. So just try living a life. Live free.
This is your life and you have the power to control what direction you want it to steer. Mankind , society, humanity will stay here but you have to reach the other part of the sandwich one day and that day when you exhale the last breathe, when your vision will blur out, when you heart will beat for the last time, take a pause.....think of the strong moments.........you wish you could have lived those moments again.
Life- a curse or a gift...........a secret or transparent.....a mystery or a card-house of emotions. Even god chuckles.
Life a vicious cycle of existence, a cycle that starts with a beautiful beginning, a cry deep from inside, the first heart beat and there it goes. As it travels towards its destiny slowly and slowly towards death. Each and everyday unknowingly we take that small step towards our death that ends with another cry, a cry that has passion, emotions and love, a cry of loss, a cry of loneliness , a cry of feeling so empty.So is it all? does it end here? what about the life that is sandwiched between these two boundary of life and death?
I am no one to unravel that mystery, dig out the meaning of what life is, what emotions are, what love is? These words are so strong yet cannot be described.
Is life a gift or a curse? A curse where you are destined to come to this world with a cry, then you learn to smile, learn to crawl, learn to dream, smile while you dream, fall in love, create your weakness and unknowingly crawl to them. Perhaps all those management theories of needs, wants and what Maslow has been imposing to us is a simple realization of life in a complicated way.
So do we really need to complicate life? Do you like to live a life that ties you down and makes you dance, binds you to all the theories of existence. A book cannot teach you consumer behavior or can teach you what emotions is, life is, love is. Believe me it cannot.
Think once. Everyday when you close your eyes after a day's tiring work, you try to grasp some sleep and then you enter a different worlsd, a world you think so unreal, so like a virtual reality, what you call a dream. And you think this dream is a mere reflection of your reality. Huh!! See now you are trying to console yourself, you want to get there what you dream of but you cannot, you think i am too much driven by emotions and thoughts cast away from reality. So close your eyes, listen the world around, feel the sounds, try touching those sounds, try to paint that blank campus with the colors of these sounds. Can you? can you bring a meaning to this existence.
When the first light enters through the window, and kiss my forehead, i think reality is much more beautiful. Who the hell cares about the last night dreams, the emotions, the strong moments, those unforgettable feelings and now you want to live a life that is more real, perhaps running back on the track. On your journey through this sandwich world you switch back and forth again and again. We say that's how you live it. Make the correct proportions and the cake is ready, fresh, soft , smoking. You smile, laugh aloud and that laughter echoes back again and again and again and one day that turns into a frightful shriek when you beg someone to close your ears, close your eyes. You long again for that virtual existence.
The mystery still remains undefined, the secret remains unfolded because it is meant to be so. It is us who decides where we are, where we want to be because believe me, whatever may this existence be - a gift or a curse, we have to live it, we have to stand in that storm, we have to get drenched in the tears, we have to get stained in the blood. So just try living a life. Live free.
This is your life and you have the power to control what direction you want it to steer. Mankind , society, humanity will stay here but you have to reach the other part of the sandwich one day and that day when you exhale the last breathe, when your vision will blur out, when you heart will beat for the last time, take a pause.....think of the strong moments.........you wish you could have lived those moments again.
Life- a curse or a gift...........a secret or transparent.....a mystery or a card-house of emotions. Even god chuckles.
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