Bid Adieu

What do we live for in life? What do we stand for, a reason, a cause, someone? But what if that very same reason is snatched away from you and you are left with nothing. Just an empty soul.

People say when God created us, he had reason. Our existence on this earth at this moment is because someone needs us, we live everyday for each other but today i feel nothing. I feel this existence is futile, so meaningless. Always tried to live life for a hope, that ray of light you see at the end of every dark tunnel, that wards off all your fear as you slowly move towards your destiny. But today even that light seem to fade away as you move towards it. It is like chilled winter night, everything is so cold, the color is fading away and the blood oozing out making your lips so pale, your breath so heavy and your body is just another carcass lying in the jungle of wilderness ready to be devoured by the ferocious pack of wolves. Today there will be no mercy as the sharp teeth will bite into the flesh and tear your heart apart, there will be no one to hear your cry because your voice is too feeble, your vision is blurred and smeared by blood. You can feel the thirst of blood, the hunger of flesh and agony of death. The conspiracy has finally worked and you are ambushed by this world lured by the sign of happiness into the dungeon of death. It is really cold here.

Water, water everywhere, not a drop to drink. Crushing the ice into the mouth makes it worse. The throat choking for a drop but the frozen piece of ice just makes it worse. It tears apart your vocal cord and piercing through your cheeks. So much pain, so much agony. Ice and blood makes good combination of red and white, doesn't they? It's like the piece of apple that fell into the earth on one fine day and a bite into it wrote the destiny of mankind. A species was born full of hatred, agony, betrayal and pain. From that day, the earth has been a selfish being. It rips off the skin, whips the blood and suck the warmth, leaving you in the cold wilderness.

I saw the moon rising in the horizon. I could see the werewolf shouting out to the pack. The blood thirsty vampires hunting for prey, and here you lie waiting for your destiny. Fate laughs at you, a shrill voice that laughs at you sarcastically  laughs at your hopes, your dreams, your love, your emotions. Today everything is ripped off and smashed into the ground, never to grow again. A lifeless soul, without a heart, a pale face and moist eyes awaits the destiny. It embraces the fierce claws of the wolf or may be the ruthless bite of the vampire, sucking the remaining blood.

To be gone forever, and never to return.

Godhuli - The dusk

Soon it will be dark here again, the illuminating eyes of the predators hiding behind those bushes, hear the brook that makes its way cutting through the jungle lore and the birds flapping their wings harder for home is too far and it will be dark here again. The addiction of a blindfolded dream, the last supper of intoxicating poppy seeds and the smoke that carves the canvas of a mighty horses carrying the chariot of twilight. There sits the king who gallops through the jungle, the fireflies lighting their way and the sweet melancholy of flutes being played by Krishna down that far village where the dusk light flutters in the light chilled wind of winter, Here comes the darkness again. The baul singers with the hymn past the dark paddy fields, chanting-" Hari din to gelo, sondhye holo, par koro amare" ..."Oh lord! the day has come to an end with the dusk engulfing us, lead us our way"....

A small dream

This is a story of a small bird. A bird that was born ,quite neglected, in the corner of the mango tree from where the morning sunlight flickered. I have seen him limping, chirping day long for water, but no one did even bothered to hear that feeble sound of the bird. I used to run out with a mug of water and keep it by m window to quench his thirst. He had those small wings which he wanted to spread out and fly. He used to look above the blue ocean and dream that one day he would spread his wings in that open heaven, leave home, leave his chirping sound, close his eyes and feel the winds beneath his wings and clouds going past.

One day his dream came true. I saw him as he limped forward and tried to fly, he fell down. He went up ahead, gathered his strength and tried to spread his wings. This time he was at the edge of life where it was just his wings that can take him to his dream land and so he gathered all the strength, closed his eyes and jumped. He kept on flapping his wings , so hard , again and again. He thought he was drowning into a black circle, his eyes was still closed, his heart stopped beating, he could hear the sounds of his wings fluttering heard. And then he slowly opened his eyes. He could not believe what he saw. He saw a world never seen by anyone. His feet was floating in nothing, his wings were going up and down , again and again and in front of him lies the vast start of nothingness, the empty blue ocean where he dreamt to be one day. He could see the white patchy clouds, the red glowing ball of sun. He was happy, he was proud, he was excited, he was amazed. As if all the emotions gathered all at  once to celebrate the success of his first flight.

He flew through the clouds, through that old banyan tree, past the old temple whose bricks stuck out as if laughing in happiness of the flight. And there he went, swooooshhh!!!! Up, Up and Up. He never looked back. That concrete jungle seemed so small, that small branch of the old mango tree, that was his house for so long is just now a small black dot in the vast blue of happiness he was floating.

He dont know how long was he flying. The scorching sun was laughing sarcastically right above him. But who dare to stop this bird, today no one can stop this little small spirit. He kept on flying.

But suddenly, everything in front of him seemed to fade out, his arms became so heavy that he could hardly flap his wings. The wind was suddenly not there, not even the cloud and he was on his own. It was as if the nature has conspired against him all of a sudden. It was just then he started to enjoy his dream and everything seemed to be out of his control. His throat was drying up and his small thumping heart longed for a drop of water. The water for which he used to chirp every morning while he was in that corner. He tried to cry out but nothing came out of his throat.

He broke down completely. God gave him life, gave him desires, showed him dreams, and now he was living his dreams and now it was destined to an end. An end to nothingness. Those blue sky and those white clouds meant nothing to him now. He longed to go back to that small concrete place of his own. And so he cried out to God, ried out loud, "Oh lord! please save me. this is not the dream i want to live, i cant fly anymore, my wings are getting shattered, my heart drying up, my blood draining out. Please let me live, Happiness does not lie in this cloud, but in the place where i can dream, where i can live, where i can see this beauty and aspire it. I used to live in a world of hope, and now everything lies shattered. Let me live my dear lord !"

The lord saw everything and stayed silent. The small bird started crying and gave up. His heart was beating fast, everything started to black out just when he could feel small hot drops of water trickling into his mouth from his eyes. Those were hot salty tear drops which helped him to quench his thirst and kept him alive. The bird got the power to fly back and this small bird returned to where he belong.

It has been a long time i have seen this bird. Many things have changed, that old mango tree lies there no more, instead turned a huge shopping complex. One day i tried to search this bird, but could not find him. Maybe he has found his ultimate reason of happiness or tasted another dream of madness, who knows!. But as i close my eyes today i still can hear the bird chirping for water.

He is so thirsty and so am I.

The Blinding lights - an unknown dream

The clock has been ticking real slow. It's 8:30 pm and the cab has been moving like a snail in the hasty traffic. Halogen lights, blinding headlamps and red glow of rear light has covered every nook and corner of the street. One can see various lights swooshing past at tremendous speed and other moving slowly in their own pace. Even the cars speak their own language.
The light air was blowing softly through my hair as i peeked outside the window. I could see little boxes everywhere extended far far away into the horizon. All they call are home, seems to be like small boxes or may be pigeon hole. Tired lousy cars make their way back to those pigeon hole getting for another day.

Are they really the lights that are flashing by, hurried towards their destination. But where are they moving, i wonder? They are not cars, they are dreams- a dream everyone have since their childhood. There are thousand living dreams in this city and hundreds getting stamped by the crowd everyday, a hundred climbing up those pigeon hole, a hundred swooshing past by for another destination and all that left gets stuck in this wary traffic of the city with blinding lights.

Sometimes a sensation choke you to the core, you feel exhausted and you want to give up but it is the same dream to keep you alive. Is it to make a lot of money? a pigeon hole, a wearily moving car, a lap of luxury? - the answers are plenty, every moving machine in this city has its own story to say. But where does all those dreams go? - Huh, inside the sophisticated concrete buildings, inside the monitor, in the pockets of manager or within the clicks of mouse.

There was a time when there used to rain, and that the smell of earth used to allure me into a different world, i would gaze at the wonder of the nature and get drenched. Today when it rains, i run for the shelter, in an air-conditioned, sophisticated shackles of money, brand and fame.

Sometimes i wonder i miss that feeling of getting drenched in the rain. But life laughs sarcastically at me and says. No dear, every-night i ensure you get the same sensation- but its only hot steamy eyes drenching you again and again.

Another dream -Getting trampled in the footsteps, still limping in the city of light, blinding our eyes.

"Have you seen a firefly !! As soon as it is born ,it runs towards light only to hug death again"

A 6X3 iron lady

Have it ever happened to you that you enter your professional world and you have nothing to do except laze away time and watch the clock tick the time you can get off.
Well it happens with me. Perhaps not always but sometime.

As the dusk overshadowed the streets of the city, the hustling and bustling of the city life can be heard back towards their sleepy caves.
A day has ended- a day full of work, surprises, happiness, sadness, tears, joy, money, experience, tea, coffee, coffee again, lunch, coffee, horlicks, meetings, conference, phone calls, voices, dustbin, chair, prisoner.

My car was racing the snail race against the procession of the office returns - the end of a football match, where you run the whole time and then retire at the end. But i suppose, this went too longer than 90 minutes.

"Sir, ghar aa gaya"
This so called air conditioned snail paced moving cars has choked me. I wish i could run in the valley once.
"Sir...."
"Oh yes......yes...thanks bhaiya"

I slogged down towards my so called residence- a 6X3 iron bed.

While i was small, i was fascinated by this iron beds. Those small ones you could see in a government hospital wards where your legs could hardly cuddle in unless you are lucky to be a dwarf size. Patients cuddling into one, crying in pain, spilling blood, beeping sounds, saline bottles, slippery floors, and the smell of dettol, shrieks of pains, tears of losses....all spilled over.

I was lost as i gazed into my 6X3 bed- the iron bed. It seemed good, it is with her I sleep every night. She is hard, she is cold, she is small, yet i try to get myself within it. Sleepless nights or a beautiful dream- she remains the silent spectator to my life. She peeks into my laptop, she slowly sucks away my tears, she resist my anger- she is silent. Why can't she speak?

Sometimes i feel this world has too much to give. Pain , remorse, grief, suffering. But this lucky lady, she is born with a different luck. She is my bed ,perhaps for not so long. At least she is better than a government hospital.

.......IS SHE?

Understand ?!!?

Seldom do i hear these words, " you don't understand me.."
"why just you don't understand situations?"
"Have you ever tried to understand me?"
" You don't really understand"
"No one understand me"......
I say hell yes, why should everyone try to understand you and why should you be understood by each and everyone. I mean you are not a symmetric living being on this planet who share the mental space among the millions living here and you blame your self again and again saying no-one wver tried to understand you, and no one understand you.
ha ha ha.......nice joke dear...you wish that understanding is a commodity in the market, pick it up from a fancy store and make the other fool in front of you understand , well yeah that's a piece of shit i have never seen in ages. I mean understanding cannot be this and in such situation you are living where you think people exactly understand you, you are probably wrong or maybe masking yourself.

After all you are not meant to be understandable by anyone. See what happens in your life...you think someone understand you better, you fall in love, try to share happiness, joy, and feel " hell yeah, who says all the crap of understanding" and then get along together in the journey of life. Then suddenly one fine morning all the virtual layer of understanding you have build up crackles down like a mirror on the wall and all the understanding just vaporizes. Now you say no one ever tried to understand me, or no one understand me.

Wake up.....and look. Did your parents tried to understand you, did someone you loved the most ever tried to understand you, did YOU really tried to understand what you are doing, and what you want to do?
The answer is simple and let it lie with you because i dont want to understand anymore. All i know you are meant only to do things and if the things you do have some implications, understanding will follow. In the world full of emotions driving us away this little thing called understanding gets blamed every time.And all i see him is weeping under the tree of hope. Hope consoling him that someday you will gain peace my dear understanding...soemday.

Don;t try to understand, don;t ever expect someone to understand you. Start believing instead and water the tree of hope. Because everytime our understanding weeps in it's lap, it gets warmth.

Create it..... Understanding will understand someday .

An equation

I was staring out the lousy Sunday morning window that just woke up from sleep. A songbird was singing in the beautiful raga of a morning tune over the slushy green bamboo trees that was playing hide and seek with the rising touch of the golden sun. Engrossed in a world far beyond where my presence actually ought to be, a world of songbird, the black sparrow and the humming pigeons over the gray steps. Suddenly i was brought back to me reality to a shout of some chemical equations and formulas going on. A old man of a good chemistry has devoted his life in a subject far beyond my fragments of imagination and my understanding. A series of chemical formulas that has nothing to do with the sparrow or the sleeping window. I realized that learning chemistry was of more importance than understanding what you want to , a feeling that drives you to learn what you are supposed to. As i tried to scratch out some formulas trying hard to create a balance of all those metals and organic existence, i never realized these equations had a meaning in them and every time , i used to form them out, i could hear a laughter, a mockery. A equation that is far beyond the limits of a small subject called chemistry but an equation that defines an existence. A realization that was still beyond my understanding but as years passed by, the sunday morning bangs me hard again and again and the echoes of that chemistry teacher still rings on my ears. A equation that gives you something , balances something and then what....nothing?

Transformed through time in a moment far away, i lie here basking in the sun of a same sunday afternoon. A mental state full of confusion, a life full of emotions , feelings, complications and the big question mark like that of the seven stars in the sky? The chilled winter breeze was blowing through my hairs and the warmth of the sun, covering me, I realized the meaning of those equation. Perhaps balancing an equation of your life requires something beyond chemistry and that understanding just shook me. An equation of life, love, feelings, sadness, pain, existence, death everything seems to move on in a randomly created periodic table. And sometimes there are equations which are random, cannot be stopped. Once initiated they just moves on to the other part and cannot be controlled. And sometimes these things called catalyst just adds up to the rate. The sheer meaning of equilibrium is winding up my mind as all those Ph values that captured the very acidic and basic sense of my life mixed with one another. A negative logarithmic of my life's existence that was a dependent behavior of love can eject out something? What it is......

Two drops of salty tears, a sudden cry of mankind, a pinch of fear and the a cup of sweetness of love mixed together gives you what?..........
I am still trying to bring out the equation, the end product, a balance........or perhaps that sleppy sunday window and the sparrow will help me to

Time machine

Is this some kind of bad dream? Is this possible.... I didn't had time to think about. Dressed in some costly satin, the blackberry beeping continuously in my pocket as i was suddenly struck by this peculiar question. I was just sitting and enjoying nothingness as i smelled the salty sea breeze gushing through my hair and leaving me with a chilled jerk through my spine. Th atmosphere was so beautiful as if the nature and the sea has conspired to create this beautiful painting on the canvas of the horizon as never seen before. A hue of red orange and yellow just mixed the blue sky and the red glowing ball of fire  drowning slowly and slowly.Far noticeable was a fisherman's boat, trying hard to get the last catch of the day.
And what am i doing here? I really don't know. I was sitting on the concrete that binds the ocean from the sea. Te sea was fierce as it kept thrashing on the concrete walls splashing the salty water all over. I could feel the moistness drenching my cheeks and dripping into my mouth. The salty sensation.But that was not of the sea moisture, i could sense my vision blurring all of a sudden and the moist hot balls rolling down my cheeks.
Why am i crying? are my glands malfunctioning all of a sudden or perhaps the city is experiencing a high humidity, perhaps my body too......still the uncontrollable emotions just flowed on.

I was just so confused. It was everything was happening like it was supposed to be, like i was destined to be there, destined to cry, watch the sun set, watch the city sleeping slowly. But why? perhaps the question is lost far amidst the crowds that made their way homeward, a busy life , a hectic schedule, and amidst the colorful city that actually never sleeps.

The blackberry was buzzing continuously in my pocket and i slowly took it out. As i pressed into my device, i was heaped by something around unlimited texts and a call buzzing. I took the call and it was so different. There was this female voice over the phone, " when are you coming dear adn why aren't you picking the call. We are getting late for the party...hurry up dear"
All i did was just couple of head nods and yups and yes's.........
I cut the call as if it was choking me, the wedding ring was glistening like anything , laughing sarcastically at me. I was just too frustrated, too depressed or perhaps whatever......i just felt so binded, so confined so like living in a jail......jailed forever .....the invisible shackles around my hands....and the rope clinging around my neck.......
Damn reality!! A sudden blow again. Damn Mr Roy...damn......what the hell do you want dammit?? i gave you everything a man could ever desired......you are the executive of a firm you dreamt to be.....sea facing office......power....Sea facing bungalow......a rolls royce phantom........and moreover the best looking wife one can ever get with the most intelligent kid a parent could desire........heavy paychecks....party's.......what else? still you sit here and curse me?? lament?? see...look all those down there...begging for food....desiring to be like the banner guy...Mr Roy......i gave you everything and now what?? speak...up what??

can you give me one thing gawd....please....... happiness.....peace.......can you return me that abhishek roy i used to be years back......

silence prevailed!!!

Everything seems so perfect, so normal.Life was taking its usual sine curve.....oops!! the exponential curve. Damn i drive a BMW 7 series which i dreamt of and now i am not happy. Perhaps the want of human beings never cease to stop or perhaps i never realized what happiness really is, what love actually is what being abhishek roy actually is. Perhaps i regret for all those past days, i wish i could travel back and change back those for once. For once i could have saved this life, said her how much i really loved her, said her that yes whatever it may be i am there for you, thrown this fake smile and said no, have not weighed love and money on the same scale, did something to make my parent's smile, not my future......  for once said again and again.....please don;t leave me......

for once gawd...for once that decision that could have changed to exactly what i wanted to be...not what this society wants me to be......for once.....

suddenly mom called me up....what are you doing.....why are you crying....and why are you howling??. i was startled....i ran for the bathroom, went in front of the mirror.....oh yes!!! can you believe it , i am young......and i am in my home..........untouched by anything........i am back....it was a dream...a dream...a really really bad dream.....huh...bad dream
as i was stroking the keys of my lappy and writing this blog, i was just taken aback by the realization i had..... I really dont wish to regret in my life.....and really money , wealth, materialistic world matters me no more....it's all happiness, joy, bliss and love after all. Wish just to cling on all to these and live life.....be a free soul at least and next time i visualise the past might be hanging in a local train and returning home......see  my wife smile happily, laughing aloud, my children happier and those salty drops.......huh!!!
.perhaps someone up above is supposed to cry now....in happiness....

A gift or a curse.......

Einstein once said , A life is of no use if not lived for others. This thinking was just hovering around my mind where deep inside i tried to find the secret of my survival, the mere reason of my existence, the oxygen that i breathe in. Am i living a life worthwhile?
Life a vicious cycle of existence, a cycle that starts with a beautiful beginning, a cry deep from inside, the first heart beat and there it goes. As it travels towards its destiny slowly and slowly towards death. Each and everyday unknowingly we take that small step towards our death that ends with another cry, a cry that has passion, emotions and love, a cry of loss, a cry of loneliness , a cry of feeling so empty.So is it all? does it end here? what about the life that is sandwiched between these two boundary of life and death?
I am no one to unravel that mystery, dig out the meaning of what life is, what emotions are, what love is? These words are so strong yet cannot be described.
Is life a gift or a curse? A curse where you are destined to come to this world with a cry, then you learn to smile, learn to crawl, learn to dream, smile while you dream, fall in love, create your weakness and unknowingly crawl to them. Perhaps all those management theories of needs, wants and what Maslow has been imposing to us is a simple realization of life in a complicated way.
So do we really need to complicate life? Do you like to live a life that ties you down and makes you dance, binds you to all the theories of existence. A book cannot teach you consumer behavior or can teach you what emotions is, life is, love is. Believe me it cannot.
Think once. Everyday when you close your eyes after a day's tiring work, you try to grasp some sleep and then you enter a different worlsd, a world you think so unreal, so like a virtual reality, what you call a dream. And you think this dream is a mere reflection of your reality. Huh!!  See now you are trying to console yourself, you want to get there what you dream of but you cannot, you think i am too much driven by emotions and thoughts cast away from reality. So close your eyes, listen the world around, feel the sounds, try touching those sounds, try to paint that blank campus with the colors of these sounds. Can you? can you bring a meaning to this existence.
When the first light enters through the window, and kiss my forehead, i think reality is much more beautiful. Who the hell cares about the last night dreams, the emotions, the strong moments, those unforgettable feelings and now you want to live a life that is more real, perhaps running back on the track. On your journey through this sandwich world you switch back and forth again and again. We say that's how you live it. Make the correct proportions and the cake is ready, fresh, soft , smoking. You smile, laugh aloud and that laughter echoes back again and again and again and one day that turns into a frightful shriek when you beg someone to close your ears, close your eyes. You long again for that virtual existence.
The mystery still remains undefined, the secret remains unfolded because it is meant to be so. It is us who decides where we are, where we want to be because believe me, whatever may this existence be - a gift or a curse, we have to live it, we have to stand in that storm, we have to get drenched in the tears, we have to get stained in the blood. So just try living a life. Live free.
This is your life and you have the power to control what direction you want it to steer. Mankind , society, humanity will stay here but you have to reach the other part of the sandwich one day and that day when you exhale the last breathe, when your vision will blur out, when you heart will beat for the last time,     take a pause.....think of the strong moments.........you wish you could have lived those moments again.

Life- a curse or a gift...........a secret or transparent.....a mystery or a card-house of emotions. Even god chuckles.

Nightmare or Reality......Who knows??

The tube light was flickering hard making ghastly figures and shadows on the dark wall, illuminated all of a sudden by those flickers. The room was so dark, so silent. Suddenly a gush of winds blew through the room as if the clouds were out on a sudden wild ride on the wind-back and my room was a complete mess. Everything flew away, the door striking again and again making loud noise as if crying out in pain, the eerie sound of the wind gushing was hammering my ears. I tried to get up from my bed and close the window. Suddenly i felt so different . It was as if i was the master and nature was my slave. Those mighty winds that was making things terrible was suddenly under my command and i was riding it high. I jumped out of the window and i was literally flying. Is it possible? Is it so real, or am i in some virtual world.
Who cares?
i laughed aloud, kept on laughing until the laugh turned into roar and smashed down like another fierce lightning, shaking the very heart of nature.The ground started burning and it was fire all around . I tried to escape from that hot gushing wind. The more i blew with the wind, more the flames of the fire grew higher and it tossed into the sky. My laughter echoing again and again, bouncing back to my ears, turning into painful shrieks, cry of pain, cry of cruelty, cry of death.
My skin started to burn, my body started to twist, and my legs charred down into powders of dust. I was struggling for help but the winds also conspired with the nature against me. A treachery, a trap, a conspiracy that is burning me down.

Laughter again...not me this time.......a figure so similar laughing in front of me. I have seen her somewhere but could not make out who she was. I was loosing myself. I was going down, falling again and again, going deep inside, faster and faster defying the laws of gravity.

"Beep ....beep....beeep"
I was startled by the noise all of a sudden, i woke up. The alarm was sounding again and again. It was morning and the golden beam poked through the window illuminating the room. I was sweating like anything and my throat was choking. I rushed to the glass of water and gulped as much of liquid as i can. My head was spinning abruptly. The room was a complete mess and really who would say last night was so stormy?

Just as i was walking back from college, i chuckled myself. Damn!! another nightmare.....glowing fire, hot wind......ha ha ha. Must go to sleep early tonight. Might be too much pressure was giving me a bad weekend.

It is 11:30 in the night and i am going back to sleep.The hostel is so empty today and i love the silence so much .I spread my legs and went to turn my tubelight off......
Suddenly ......It started flickering again. and again and again.